So, I've been thinking about this St. Patrick business, and everyone always thinks of him as being Sainted for driving all the snakes out of Ireland.
Really? How hard is that?
It's Ireland. It's muddy, cold, and wet. Snakes are exothermic. They don't dig on that shit.
The scene probably went something like this:
ST. PATRICK: Feck off, Snakes!
SNAKES: Right, OK.
SNAKES EXEUNT
End of play.
If St. Patrick wanted to impress me, he should drive all the snakes out of the Yucatan! That'd be impressive.
More than likely, in proper Irish storytelling tradition, I think that the Story of the St. Patrick Driving out the Snakes should go like this.
ST PATRICK: Feck off, Snakes!
SNAKES: Good plan, Pat! We're with ya! Could you take us?
ST. PATRICK: What?
SNAKES: It's an awful long way, you know, and we don't have feet. We also can't hitch a ride because we've no thumbs. So, could give us a lift? Say, to somewhere in Anglesy. From there, we can take British Rail to Dover, and then head to the South of France where it's warm, and we can be with our close cousins, the French.
ST. PATRICK: Arse! You've thought this through, haven't you?
SNAKES: What else are we going to do? We're snakes in Ireland! It's fecking cold, ya Mick Bastard!
"...So did St. Patrick heed the word of the snakes, and Rentest he a Holy Tour Bus,
And gathered he all the snakes together, and placed them into the Holy Tour bus,
And then drivest he all the serpents to Anglesy, (yes, yes...I know there's water in the way. Shut up, it's a bloody parable for Chrissakes!)
But the snakes, alak, haddest they no wallets...for like Nicole Richie, they had no hips to hold them up, and they felt funny using one another as belts, so not a wallet, or a farthing had they. So, stiffest they St. Patrick on bus fare...
St. Patrick, being a noble and proper Irishman, did the only proper thing, and went he to the nearest Public House to bitcheth loudly about his rotten luck.
Walketh he into the Public House of which he was a regular, at which all present shouted "Pat!" as they would have had George Wendt instead entered.
Then, seeing his saddened state, asketh they, "Prithee, Patrick, who didst pyss in thine Cheerios this morrow?"
"The fecking snakes!" answerest he, "For I just returned from driving all of the snakes out of Ireland and..."
"Thou drovest all the snakes from Ireland?" all present exclaimed, interrupting St. Patrick.
"Well, Aye! 'Tis true. You see, I told them to feck off and..."
"Divine Defecation, Man!" sayeth those present, interrupting once again, "For this is truly a miracle! Thou shouldest be Sainted."
"No, wait," interjecteth Patrick, "'Twas not all that. What happened was..."
"We shall sing thy praises!"
"No, really...Listen..."
"And ye shall drink for free in this Public House henceforth..."
"Yes...Well," sayeth St. Patrick, "As I said, I gave those slimy, reptilian bastards what for!
"I told them, 'Feck off, Snakes!' and they didst flee before me..."
And the moral of the story; Never buy into the bullshite of a Mick Bastard, (including this one,) when someone else is paying.
Here Endeth the Lesson..
Really? How hard is that?
It's Ireland. It's muddy, cold, and wet. Snakes are exothermic. They don't dig on that shit.
The scene probably went something like this:
ST. PATRICK: Feck off, Snakes!
SNAKES: Right, OK.
SNAKES EXEUNT
End of play.
If St. Patrick wanted to impress me, he should drive all the snakes out of the Yucatan! That'd be impressive.
More than likely, in proper Irish storytelling tradition, I think that the Story of the St. Patrick Driving out the Snakes should go like this.
ST PATRICK: Feck off, Snakes!
SNAKES: Good plan, Pat! We're with ya! Could you take us?
ST. PATRICK: What?
SNAKES: It's an awful long way, you know, and we don't have feet. We also can't hitch a ride because we've no thumbs. So, could give us a lift? Say, to somewhere in Anglesy. From there, we can take British Rail to Dover, and then head to the South of France where it's warm, and we can be with our close cousins, the French.
ST. PATRICK: Arse! You've thought this through, haven't you?
SNAKES: What else are we going to do? We're snakes in Ireland! It's fecking cold, ya Mick Bastard!
"...So did St. Patrick heed the word of the snakes, and Rentest he a Holy Tour Bus,
And gathered he all the snakes together, and placed them into the Holy Tour bus,
And then drivest he all the serpents to Anglesy, (yes, yes...I know there's water in the way. Shut up, it's a bloody parable for Chrissakes!)
But the snakes, alak, haddest they no wallets...for like Nicole Richie, they had no hips to hold them up, and they felt funny using one another as belts, so not a wallet, or a farthing had they. So, stiffest they St. Patrick on bus fare...
St. Patrick, being a noble and proper Irishman, did the only proper thing, and went he to the nearest Public House to bitcheth loudly about his rotten luck.
Walketh he into the Public House of which he was a regular, at which all present shouted "Pat!" as they would have had George Wendt instead entered.
Then, seeing his saddened state, asketh they, "Prithee, Patrick, who didst pyss in thine Cheerios this morrow?"
"The fecking snakes!" answerest he, "For I just returned from driving all of the snakes out of Ireland and..."
"Thou drovest all the snakes from Ireland?" all present exclaimed, interrupting St. Patrick.
"Well, Aye! 'Tis true. You see, I told them to feck off and..."
"Divine Defecation, Man!" sayeth those present, interrupting once again, "For this is truly a miracle! Thou shouldest be Sainted."
"No, wait," interjecteth Patrick, "'Twas not all that. What happened was..."
"We shall sing thy praises!"
"No, really...Listen..."
"And ye shall drink for free in this Public House henceforth..."
"Yes...Well," sayeth St. Patrick, "As I said, I gave those slimy, reptilian bastards what for!
"I told them, 'Feck off, Snakes!' and they didst flee before me..."
And the moral of the story; Never buy into the bullshite of a Mick Bastard, (including this one,) when someone else is paying.
Here Endeth the Lesson..
